


Captain's Log, Stardate 2015

by jellybeanforest



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Because it was funnier that way, Cap_Ironman Tiny Reverse Bang, Captain Kirk-esque, Comedy, M/M, Mile High Club, but more like Zapp Brannigan, space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:35:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26179600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jellybeanforest/pseuds/jellybeanforest
Summary: An intrepid space explorer comes across a hot humanoid alien.Or: Tony is screwing around; Steve doesn’t understand the reference because he is both a caveman and a Philistine.For the 2020 Cap-IronMan Tiny Reverse Bang. Based on a prompt (OATH) by FluffyPanda.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 14
Kudos: 63
Collections: 2020 Cap/Iron Man Tiny Reverse Bang





	Captain's Log, Stardate 2015

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fluffypanda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fluffypanda/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Reaching Out [ART]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24800965) by [Fluffypanda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fluffypanda/pseuds/Fluffypanda). 



> I’ve watched approximately ten episodes of the original Star Trek and every episode of Futurama with Zapp Brannigan, so uh… keep that in mind.

“Captain’s log, stardate 2015. Our destination is the satellite designated by command as TS2001, an obsolete space station orbiting the ruins of Old Earth.”

“That’s not how stardates work,” Bruce’s long-suffering voice filters in over the comm.

Encased in a newly-designed zero-atmosphere-compatible Iron Man suit, Tony continues his narration unperturbed, “These transmissions from the dead planet are ancient, spoken on loop. They do not speak to the survival of intelligent life on the surface, which has all but ceased.”

“…Seriously?”

“They are but echoes in the void, the death rattle of a doomed populace.”

The signal fizzles as Bruce sighs audibly. “Okay, I’m sorry I drank the last of your special coffee this morning. You can stop being a dick now.”

“Sometimes I can still hear their voices even now.”

“Are you just about done?” Steve interjects. “I hate being in space. It’s like floating in water, except I’m sweating constantly and it never evaporates. Plus, the bathroom situation–”

“The less said about the bathroom situation, the better,” Bruce says before reporting that “Tony is almost there. He’ll just take some samples and readings, then help you return to solid ground.” As a biochemist, Dr. Banner might have been a better fit for measuring the effects of prolonged space travel on the serum, but there’s no way he’d risk the Hulk in a tiny delicately-controlled enclosed capsule of international importance. Tony had volunteered for the mission in his stead, but it quickly became apparent the man had ulterior motives.

“And now I approach the ship, unaware of the dangers within, but it is the mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.”

Who would have thought _the_ Tony Stark would turn out to be such a nerd?

Bruce is unimpressed. “It was built by man. Humans have been living in it for years now. You’re not even the first Avenger on board.”

Tony ignores his criticism. He approaches the International Space Station, docking on its surface then entering through one of the few available ports. As he waits for the entry point to pressurize, he spies Steve through the plexiglass window. “And what is this? A sentient alien mold of some type, though musty and stale, has taken on the form of a human male, a spectacular specimen pleasing to the eye… I must confess, I find myself strangely attracted to this comely creature.”

Steve lifts a brow. “Is that a joke about my age?” he asks, his tone flat.

“I will investigate further to ascertain the being’s motives,” Tony says, ignoring Steve’s growing annoyance, “whether he prove friend… or foe.”

“Just take the measurements like we discussed,” Bruce tells him, completely exasperated.

“You’re no fun.” Tony switches off the comms then turns his attention to Steve. “What do you say, Cap? Want to become an exclusive member of the 254 mile high club while we’re here?”

Steve pinks, though that may be a result of zero-gravity; Tony has to run certain tests to be sure. “You don’t understand, Tony. All fluids – _all of them_ – they… they float.”

Tony is curious as to how Steve might know that, but it probably had something to do with being stuck in space for two weeks and getting intimately reacquainted with his left hand. Unbidden, mental images of super-soldier spunk infesting the space station and terrorizing its residents like an amorphous, softly-undulating glob come to mind. He shudders to think of how many sexual harassment policies Steve may have inadvertently violated.

Still, the situation did present a unique set of challenges…

“…Then we’ll have to be extra careful, won’t we?” Tony tears open a Velcro pocket, pulling out a ream of condoms. “I came prepared. Brought condoms for containment. They’ll never know.”

The ISS’s external comms crackle to life. “I’ll know.”

Tony looks around and gives the nearest camera the stinkeye.

“Goddammit, Bruce! Not now.”


End file.
